i'm not sure where i'm headed to yet. it's now down to two things, money or heart. money just seems to be the wiser decision at this stage of my life. i followed my heart for 8 years and i have to admit that i feel it was a bit of a waste. i stayed with my first job out of loyalty and love for country. if it actually weren't for my boss who gave up, i would probably stay with him for 10 years. i'm left broke and i have no savings. so actually, what's happening now is a blessing because i'm pushed to move forward.
i just have this fondness for locally-owned companies who are thriving in the IT industry. there's so much local talent, creativity, and skill. and yet everyone's abroad or working for a big multi-national company. i don't see the social relevance in being a corporate slave but that's just me.
i'm currently trying to sort out my priorities. in the past, what was important to me was time and happiness. my priority more than financial success was emotional stability. i wanted to be able to work and play at the same time. where did that leave me? everyone else who chose the other path seem to be doing well right now. it's not that i envy them but it just makes me wonder why i had these priorities in the first place. because if i had chosen this, why am i unfulfilled?
i have the option at the moment to follow my heart once again. the other path, there's no assurance yet. but there's a 98% chance for me to follow the other path now. it breaks my heart but i need to. when i think of my parents, i feel regret that i still need their support at this age. that i can't even get my car's aircon fixed when at this age, i'm already supposed to be buying a new one for myself. my parents gave me a comfortable life and i want to be able to give that back.
i want to sacrifice my comfort now. not just for myself but for the people i love. i have to set my idealism aside for now. if i don't do this soon, it's going to be too late. i'm not getting any younger and i feel that i'm almost past my prime.
but job hunting drains so much energy out of me! during the break, i was so anxious about my future so i ended up submitting my resume to so many companies. i thought most of them wouldn't notice me but i was wrong! i'm getting so many calls and invitations for interviews. not that i'm complaining, because i know other people would kill to even be invited. i'm just saying, I'M TIRED. i'm stupid for processing so many applications all at once.
i realize it's not really the technical exams or interviews that drain me, it's more of the interaction with so many different types of people. i'm still surprised how different we can all be. one day i'm talking to someone so normal and chill, the next day it's this eccentric, almost autistic type of person. or one day it's this super nice, welcoming CEO, but then i get a call from this recruiter telling me i don't deserve the salary i want. LOL. just the anticipation itself makes me so anxious. i'm so scared of answering my phone now. i don't even want to open my e-mail anymore.
when job hunting, it's either they make you feel like shit or you feel so validated. when someone smart tells you you did good with your interview, it's the best feeling EVER. but when this recruiter who totally doesn't know anything about your industry makes you feel you're not good enough, it's the most annoying feeling. because you're helpless and you have no choice if they can't understand you and let you go through the next step of the application.
anyway, i'll have til next week to decide. hoping i get the break that i need.
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